I am sorry. The title of this entry is a bit misleading. This does have something to do with all those beautiful women I had mentioned previously, but not entirely. So if you're one of those girls, continue reading, I'm sure you'll be mentioned, but don't expect to completely dominate this post.
Alright, for the longest time I've accepted the fact that I'm very strange. Very atypical for a Puerto Rican male (yes, I have other ethnicities in me, but Puerto Rican holds the greatest percentage). Most males, and especially true with my people, have this natural attraction to sex. My brothers spent most of their single lives in their 20's and 30's chasing girls, as if ascertaining a good amount of vagina would somehow boost their manhood ranking. When I was young I was informed that when I got to my 20's I would be the same way, but that day never came.
I was never sex-craved. Sure there was a time in my teens where I was always looking for that right girl. I loved romance then, and I guess I can say I'm still somewhat of a hopeless romantic now, but even in my wilder military days, I wasn't particularly into meaningless sex. Anyone who's been in the military can tell you, there's plenty of sex to go around. Either from local girls, strippers, or other military members. Yes, I did partake in the occasional sexual lewdness that seems to just go hand-in-hand with being an enlisted low ranking individual in our armed forces, but I was never into it. More often than not, I would turn down any offers from females who were actually quite beautiful. The times that I did consent to meaningless sex were usually times where I was too inebriated to really refuse in a manner that would make the girl back off. They must have thought my answer to, "wanna blow-job?" was sarcasm. I mean, if any of you ladies asked a guy that and he said, "not particularly", how would you take it?
To be honest with you, I'm a bit disgusted with that kind of behavior. It turns me off to no end... or perhaps to an abrupt end, I'm not really sure. For this reason I have maintained my status as "autosexual" for the last 3 years. I would have considered myself celibate, but I think masturbation does count. So instead I consider myself autosexual. I prefer sex with myself over meaningless sex. This doesn't mean I don't like sex with women, it's just... I like romance, and adventure.
For instance, I'd probably would have loved having sex with Ami. I was really into her, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Plus it was hard to get to her. She lived so far away. Just to see her was like embarking on an adventure. It felt like the onset of an RPG story. I loved it. The time I went to see her, she might had been my first time.. but instead I promised her I wouldn't even try to seduce her. It was important to her to wait for us to be married... at least back then. I think she probably abandoned that by now, but I wouldn't know.
Before that, it would have been Naomi. At the time I was 18 and Naomi was still younger, and technically it would have been a crime in the state of New York. I don't think it would have been morally wrong because we were both well into our teenage years, but still the possibility of going to prison would have been enough of a deterrent. Had I gone to see her that time we saw each other and she waved in passing, that's probably the outcome that would have occurred. She was especially beautiful then, I mean, don't get me wrong, she's still very beautiful but she had this innocence in her eyes then. Like an aura of purity and the way she looked at me sent chills down my spine. It wasn't lust.. it was pure. I should have at least gone to see her to keep the vultures who feasted upon her off. Her life would have turned out different if I had. I'm sorry, Naomi. I'll do better if there is another life after this. However, in this life a romance is no longer possible between us. She's so embedded into reality, and I'm so engrossed in a fantasy. Sometimes I get angry at her... or myself. Maybe because I don't feel she knows her true value, or maybe because I think she sold herself short, or maybe I should have been around to make sure people "paid" the right "price" to be with her, in a manner of speaking. Or at least let the right kind of "customer" "shop" for her.
After that chance with Naomi, I moved onto Stephanie. Stephanie was awesome. I think she's probably the only other person I've dated who liked RPGs as much as I did so I think part of her lived in that fantasy. A fantasy so vivid, we would meet in our dreams, and while sometimes we were interrupted by Ami "summoning" me into her dream, most of the time it was very beautiful. (Yes, it happened, if you don't believe it ask either of them...or perhaps they grew up and don't believe it anymore. I still do.) Stephanie rejected me so many times before she accepted me. First she would tell me that I had no reason to care about her well-being and she'd question it. She made it difficult. I loved it. It was like saving the goddess from her dark side. At least, I romanticized it in that fashion... I put the term "hopeless romantic" at a whole new level. Then when I found out she did like me... I also found out she had a boyfriend. Remember Rag, Steph? That was a crazy time. Well that will never happen with her again. Why? I don't know, it just can't work. She'll always be Rinoa to my Squall though... but I'm not that Squall persona anymore, and I think she outgrew Rinoa too.
I met Ami sometime after that... but I told that story too many times, wont get into that. That door is definitely closed.
The most difficult thing about Candy, is that Jun was in love with her too. That kind of made her off limits. Now, however, she ignores me at a constant. It's hard to talk with her. Like I really try. I call her at times, or I try to IM her, and she completely ignores me. I just love it. I notice the more difficult it is to get around a girl, the more I am attracted. Once a year, however, she comes out of her shell and she talks to me as if I'm the only person to talk to in the world, then after it is over she's gone. Like if I were an emotional one-night stand. I saw a movie like that, only it involved actual sex and not talking. These two people would take a weekend out each year to have an affair on their spouses because they fell in love. The movie is called, "Same Time, Next Year", I think. Anyway, the biggest problem I have with Candy now beside Sam loving her at one point, is that she has a boyfriend and a child, and I actually like her man. He's actually kind of cool, and I know he loves Candy and his daughter. I would never do anything to unravel that. Ever. Even at 35. Door's closed because I'm locking it. It's for the best.
Maria was odd, because we just liked each other one day and then stopped the next. It was actually really funny when I think about it. She'll always be special to me though. I've vented a lot of my teenage curiosities on her when I was young... and in a weird way I think she did the same. No we didn't have sex or anything like that but sometimes I think she'd like to use her girlish charms to make me do things like go visit her instead of going to Kung Fu class. Naturally, I did because one of the reasons I even joined the Kung Fu class in the first place was to try to get to know her, even though the greater reason was that I wanted a chance to spar John more often. Amazing fighter, but that's another story. Case closed there.
As for Sonja, I don't know, I find myself thinking about her often as of late. I think it's because she's put me on auto-ignore with her phone. Like I text her and I just get ignored automatically. Relax, Sonja, I know that's not true, just bothering you. I know you're just worried about people getting into your business.. that was the reason we couldn't have been together last year... I do worry about her though. I think she brings out my latent chivalrous nature. I want to save her. I want my friend to be safe. Kind of hard though when I can't contact her. Some knight I am, huh? This opportunity was closed last year by her first, then me. This is a complicated story though, so I wont write it out.
So if I had a chance, which of these girls would I go back and take? Probably none. I'd go back and change some circumstance for some of them, but I don't think I'd rewrite any of our relationships. They all helped me grow in a way that made me who I am, but that is in the past. To be honest, I am so caught up with that dream girl, my anima, that it is hard to think about anyone else.
This is typical of me. My mind is so drenched in fantastical bullshit that I'd rather believe in this girl I concocted in my sub-conscious than real live girls who probably do love me. See, I sometimes like to entertain the notion that since Stephanie and I met in our dreams, it's possible that this dream girl is someone I have been meeting for years. Possibly meeting since before I was 15. Even Hector remembers me talking about it and the last time I really spoke to Hector in a best friend capacity, I was 14. So I pick the girl who I am least likely to get with. Why? Because in our dreams there is the kind of romance Shakespeare wrote about. It's the kind of love affair that can only be seen on the silver screen. The type of adventure only found in a good RPG. It's an impossibility. One that I would like to overcome. Like Hiro when he fought destiny to get back to Lucia (don't ask and don't laugh). I've dreamt of her more frequently lately but I never try to ascertain any information on who she might be. In my dream, I'm just happy to be with her. I'm content no matter what we're doing. The best thing is that it's not about sex. I mean, sometimes it occurs, but it's really as if I found my other half.
Now some people say soul mates are your other half. Well, what if my other half was born in me? So my anima is my soul mate which is why I'm never really comfortable with anyone else. For this reason, I refer myself as autosexual. When I'd rather have a relationship with an extension of my own mind in my dreams, than girls that are real and exist in reality, then that means I prefer my own love over the love of anyone else. It also means I'm a sick fuck. Or maybe it's possible the dream girl does exist. It does remind me of one last story.
There was this one girl I met once. Right before I went to the military. The very night before. It was a friend of one of the people shipping with me named, Martinez. I spoke with that girl all night (well between 8pm and 12am). She was Colombian, straight from Colombia, but she spoke English as well as I did, or possibly better. She also spoke four other languages and was in the process of learning Japanese. In her I found my intellectual peer, unlike Stephanie who was my superior in that department (I still think you're smarter than I, Steph). The conversation we had about politics, about relationships, and pretty much everything were thrilling. She blew my mind with every word. She was a natural blond and I would always describe her as looking like Shakira multiplied by two. By far the most beautiful women I met in real life. Well, she was trying to get one of her other friends to marry her to become a citizen of this country but her friend refused because his price was 10,000$ and she only had 5,000$. I told her I would do it for free. I'd have married her then. I definitely think there was a spark between us... unfortunately, I told Candy and she grew indignant. She yelled at me, and Martinez in Spanish. I didn't even know she could speak Spanish. So she kind of got in the way of that, and I didn't mind because I cared for Candy much more, but I always wonder about that girl.
She was blond, just like the girl from the dreams. Did I find the girl and miss my chance? I wonder now.
That's me romanticizing it all. It probably didn't go quite that way and it's probably not a real person. Oh well. I'll remain alone. I'm pretty happy with "myself".
My only problem is that I'm so indoctrinated into this fantasy perception that I would forgo reality to stay there. I would seriously live the rest of my life in a coma if it meant I could stay with her in the dream world. Oh well, that's just me being strange.
Hopefully this was much too long for most of you to want to read, otherwise, now you know just how strange I am...
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